Love: The four-letter word that is all around us, yet still so difficult for many men to find.
Thankfully, I’ve manufactured a simple 13-step formula to solve this problem. Follow these steps and any girl will fall for you. Love has never been so easy.
1. Shower, shave, and leave the house.
2. Speak to a pretty girl.
Feeling nervous? Don’t worry! That’s just the crippling anxiety ingrained in all males since the days cavemen were savagely beaten for speaking to the wrong woman.
3. Bypass the bitch shield.
Beautiful women will be initially bitchy to most men who compliment them. It’s a defense mechanism that stems from being hit on by hundreds and hundreds of dudes. Avoid this bitchiness by being more interesting and charming than all of them.
4. Disarm the cockblocks.
A girl’s friends will instinctively protect her from any man she deems to be creepy, rude, or unattractive. Either win them over within a minute of meeting them or find a wingman to keep them busy. If your girl is out in a big group, you’ve got some serious plate-spinning to do. Get her phone number at the very least.
5. Show her you like her while acting like you don’t.
It’s a precise tightrope. Find the perfect balance between trying hard and playing hard to get.
6. Masterfully construct the perfect text message.
Bear in mind that girls will critically analyze and decipher every word. That’s assuming your message stands out from the dozens of alerts she gets from Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Snapchat, other lads, etc.
7. Master the game of text-message tennis.
Become the Andy Murray of messaging. Every time your love match sends you a text, you’ll need to send a better one flying straight back at her. As with tennis, the length and timing of every shot you take is crucial.
8. Organize a romantic first date.
This typically involves a few hours of light flirting, avoiding awkward silences, and solving the even more awkward conundrum of who should pay. (It’s 2014; is anyone sure about this anymore?)
9. Organize a second and third date.
Someone went and told women that men would want them MORE if they waited to put out—and they believed it! The end result was the three-date rule. This rule has now been around so long that some girls wait four or five dates before giving it up. I call this “dating inflation.”
10. Have incredible sex.
The key point here is to make love, not to fuck. To perform the former, just remember the 4 C’s; kisses, cuddles, cunnilingus, and most importantly…condoms. (Yes, I know that “kisses” doesn’t technically start with a “C,” but don’t ruin the fun here.)
11. Wait for “What Are We?”
If you want the girl to fall for you, then it needs to be her asking this. It’ll come quicker if you perform steps 7, 8, 9, and 10 over and over again. It will come even faster if you’re still performing steps 1-10 on other women. Agree to be her boyfriend once she asks.
12. Put up with her flaws.
They’ll emerge once you’re exclusive. Accept her irrationalities. Adore her farts, complaints, and make-up-free face. Accompany her shopping. Fight your biological urge to flirt with other girls.
13. Drop the L-bomb.
I love you. If you’ve completed your dozen deeds with skill and competence, she’ll probably drop those three gorgeous words before you get the chance. It’s called the L-bomb because of the catastrophic effect it has on your heart, head, and emotions. Either way, you’re in love now.
How simple was that, then? Congratulations. You’re well on your way to marriage and then, statistically, a messy divorce, possibly via a couple of unwanted pregnancies.
